Thursday, March 27, 2014

Questionable Math, Rain and a Pressing Need for More Hangers and Closet Space

The sacrifices made on behalf of the ladies in the club in favor of their teams are enormously appreciated, both Sherry and Lindsey put their teams first and put in some great performances today. Keely’s 16:23 today put her third on the women’s podium in the individual event, less than half a minute from the competitors in front of her. Teams composed of triathlon club members managed to finish with times of 12:30 and 12:52 for first and second place in the campus wide CoEd division.The cohesive group of Lindsey, Sean, Chris (Hart), Sebastian and Tiffany were able to consistently lower their times all week- 13:50, 13:17, 12:52. If races stretched into Friday and Saturday there is no telling how quickly they could have completed the course; they were clearly improving every time they raced together.

Last year’s most threatening team made up of dentists in training finished in 13:23 today, proving the triathlon club never did and never will have anything to worry about.

Anyone who thought yesterday’s “mid-sized log in the spokes” comment was facetious, think again. Sadly, the ol’ "log in the spokes trick" wasn’t quite enough for one competitor to clinch a victory. The leader recovered quickly enough to lose only minimal ground. Nor was cutting 11% off the bike course, breaking the strap of one of the better swimming competitor’s goggles seconds before the race or commandeering the wall man of a second competitor who was definitely, definitely better at getting over the wall. Next year, actually training will be the last resort if cheap tricks fail him again.

Even once Daniel got to use his actual Wall Man and got his elbows on top of the wall, another competitor who had already finished the race grabbed his ankles and attempted to pull him back down into the mulch. Unsuccessfully. He always has next year. Antics like that were legal in the 1980’s. Spectator turnout was three times what it is now for the full contact version of Storm the Wall as well. Correlation?

Much like hockey referees are instructed to not break up fights immediately, you can clearly see the REC staff in this photo only half heartedly trying to stop the illegal interference. The photo would seem to indicate that having his wall man stolen away from him allowed Daniel enough time to put on some nice khakis and a T-shirt.
The triathlon club men's individual results:

1. Brendan Naef 13:53
Jonathan Heinz 13: 43 DQ (inability to count)
Daniel Helm 14:02 DQ (too tall to be eligible to compete fairly)

The extremely qualified REC volunteers in the bike lap counting tent were consulted after the race. The sheet below looks complicated, but rest assured all bike-lap-counting volunteers complete an intensive six week training course before being considered for the privilege of sitting in a lawn chair in the rain. Classes include: Counting Carefully up to Ten, Actually Being Able to Raise Your Voice Over 30 Decibels and Keeping Your Composure While Mostly Naked Hunks Cruise By You. It’s a tough job, they actually aren’t allowed to leave until all cyclists complete the course for liability reasons (REC takes waivers seriously); they are still out there huddled under an umbrella. REC staff are bringing them sleeping bags and are trying to contact the fraudulent cyclists, trying to convince them to come back for one more lap so the counters can finally go home.

Anyone who may have performed well today and was omitted from this post either chose a dumb team name that is not their real name for an individual event or does not have the words “Triathlon” or “Club” in it. Or you were just plain overlooked. Apologies in advance. UBC REC’s website is so poorly organized; there is no way I’m sorting through that giant single page of unsorted results. Want to look up a friend’s time from 2013? You had better have the next 40 minutes free and a lot of patience. My grade 4 swim meets had live online streaming and results available up to the minute, no reason UBC REC can’t. They need an overworked, underappreciated volunteer IT staff member.

IKEA promotional staff were seen circulating the wall this afternoon, handing out 40% off coupons for hangers and closet organizers as many club members found themselves left with a slightly larger wardrobe than they did on Monday. The Sweedish never miss an opportunity to capitalize on marketing.

The week’s races are not over; a mile still has to be contested while keeping the contents of your stomach off the play surface for the children of Queen Elizabeth Elementary. It rains enough in Vancouver that we shouldn’t feel bad about it, right? At least we pick up our empties. Although leaving them strewn about would probably be a bigger contribution to the community. 10 cent cans don’t last 30 seconds on a front lawn in Kitsilano.

Watch out for the man doing 3 laps instead of four, drinking 1% Kvass in 191 ml really thick glass bottles. He will bear a striking resemblance to one of the authors of this blog. Daniel says he is drinking four of these and running the four laps on his knees, just to make things fair. The winner gets a two gallon pail of Polysporin. Extra motivation for Eddy to win.

Daniel will be back from his quick promotional tour in Jerusalem for the beer mile, we wish him well while he is there. Images from his trip can be found below.

Want to know who won the spring race series?? Come to the Year end banquet to find out!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Inanimate Wall Dashes Dreams, Realizes Others.

Lindsey, Keely and Sherry carry the hopes (and fears, judgements and nervous aspirations)of the club on the woman's side. Lindsey would seems to have the edge at the wall, Sebastian was overheard speaking to a group of his geologist colleagues after fulfilling his duties as Lindsey's semi-final wall man. "She's as light as a cotton ball dipped in helium she is; threw her to the top of the wall as easily as Matt Reeve jumps on a chance at shameless self promotion, I did". The girls qualifying times are within minutes of each other, a well executed scaling of the wall may be crucial for a victory.
The Men's individual race goes ahead tomorrow with a chance of a sweep of the podium. Daniel, Brendan and Jon have 3 of the 4 fastest qualifying times to date. The latter two times are 4 seconds apart, so it will almost certainly come down to tampering of swim goggles, Tiger Balm in the Speedo or surreptitiously deflating bike tires to gain a significant advantage. It will take a stick (or mid-sized log) in the spokes to bring Brendan down onto a level playing field as he has so far posted the only sub 14:00 time on Campus, a feat the vast majority of teams fail to accomplish. But they have five people to get over the wall, so no one is really impressed.

We won't see much of Daniel after this week; his recent accomplishments have led various religious groups and political leaders to attempt to use his skills for their own promotional purposes. A group of Ultra-Orthodox Jews were outside Sauder today, scouting Daniel to see if they would be able to use his wall mounting skills to raise awareness to their plight. Israel's recent passing of a law enabling the conscripting of Ultra-Orthodox Jews into the military has led to a slew of high publicity public awareness campaigns. Daniel is lined up to tackle Jerusalem's 62 foot Western Wall next month, with sixteen photographers on hand to document the historic feat.

Immediately after the SuperIron event, Daniel accepted a phone call from Chinese President Xi Jinping, inviting him to scale some of his country's 2700 year old National treasure. Not be outdone, Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong-un sent a package with round trip airfare to Pyongyan; provided Daniel pose for pictures with their 12 foot "wall of impenetrable defence" in the demilitarization zone. To prove it exists and silence any sceptical South Koreans, we can suppose.

Apparently there are still some teams competing as well. UBC REC seems to have over-ordered the white cotton T-Shirts this year. You can now get a T-Shirt for taking the best photo of the wall, for being closest to the wall at some arbitrary time and for drinking the most beer while leaning against a wall of any type. An extra thick, white merino wool T-Shirt is awarded to which ever competitor can stuff the most bark mulch in their Speedo while keeping a straight face. We wish any club members still in team events the best of luck.

If you don't think any of the club members are worth watching in competition tomorrow, come on down to the wall anyway. You can get a $7 McDonald's gift card if you give Mr.Lube your SIN Number, shoe size and a photocopy of your passport. The surly men at the booth also give you a strange cup of popcorn if you also sign a contract guaranteeing all of your children and grand children will get their oil changes done at Mr. Lube in perpetuity.

The weather forecast calls for rain until Sunday, but it doesn't really matter anymore since the walls are covered in sandpaper squares. Bring an umbrella, some absorbent socks and watch the most overly publicized and attended intramural event in North America that a few dozen people take way too seriously and the rest of the campus doesn't really care about. Storm the wall hasn't really been worth watching since the late 1980's anyway when chains, ladders, crampons and bear spray were added to the list of prohibited race items. It used to be fun to watch. You can't even use an opponents's team member as a climbing implement anymore.

courtsey Ubyssesy archives

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The 4-lapper, 4(/5!)-person mile

The 4-lapper, 4(/5!)-person mile

Gathering at the track on a windy cold Wednesday were Nima, Seth, Jen, and Keith! (Matt B. was there earlier to run the same race!)

Matt B ran the race earlier than the rest of (with a 5:45 time), but to add to the intensity, no one but Jen knew his time going into race, who kept it a secret... Jen offered to pace everyone to do their best (that is, beat Matt!). The laps started out fast but the 4-person group stuck together, and Jen continued to run on the track appearing as if this was just a brisk jog for her (or yog if you prefer a soft j) - appearing to just float over the ground compared to the rest of the gasping sweaty guys racing next to her.

On the last lap, Jen took off, but mainly just so she could get ahead to get to the timer first, to be able to give everyone else their race times, but she still gracefully shot around the track for her last lap. Shortly after Keith began picking up the pace, and Seth followed and up'ed the ante with an even more rowdy (speedy!) pace. A lightning bolt then shot down from the sky and Seth turned into he-man, and began a sprint for the finish line (and even if you're Keith, we all know no one can keep up with he-man).
^Look at that epic mullet and sword, and not to mention powerful legs that Keith would in no way win against

 Seth finished in first for the men's (@ 5:31) and was a half second after followed by Keith ( no joke - literally 0.5 second difference - look at the times to know I'm not lying), and then Nima. As Seth and Keith crossed the finish line they could sense Matt crying a little inside from far away - as this might distance him further from the Vince Lavallee Cup. There's no telling who will win this race series, but Jen has been crushing it for the women lately, and Matt and Nima are playing it close.

Times from the Mile:
Jen 5:25
Nima 5:42 Seth 5:31 Keith 5:31.5
Matt 5:45

Until next time folks,
Good luck to everyone in storm the wall!!!!!!!!!!!

UBC Tri Exec

UBC TRI DU - Big Numbers


There was an awesomely large representation of the UBC Triathlon Club at UBC TRI DU!!
Coming out to the race from the club were: Matt B., Keith, Lyndsay, Jen Moroz, Brendan, Chris Bhatla, Nima, Dylan, Winston, Heather,  Janis, Chris Young, Sebastian, Chris young, Janis, Maddie, Sherry, Katrina, and Meagan. 

A shout-out to UBC REC for improving their security for bikes at the UBC Tri Du.

Considering this was an all-indoor pool event this year, there was bound to be few collisions. Seth was reported to crash into every other racer in his heat. Most racers from the club managed to leave the race with gasping lungs, hungry bellies, and tired bodies. Janis had a huge PB (personal best) doing the Olympic distance race. Chris Young, Winston, and Brendan all crushed the olympic distance race. 
I'd like to thank Brendan for biking alongside Seth to cheer him on during the race.
I'd also like to give a shout out to anyone who either was doing their first Tri Du, first triathlon ever (e.g. Maddie), or attempting a new distance (e.g. Janis)! And also a shout-out to everyone who did do Tri Du, and has been challenging their skills/fitness with the spring race series!

Almost the end of term, so keep coming out to those race series events!

All the best,
UBC Tri Exec

Monday, March 17, 2014

5km RUNNNNNNN and Post-Tri Du Sore Legs

Although this event did go down the week after the UBC Triathlon, the runners eager to put their legs back to the test with a 5-km run!

Similar to the uphill run results earlier in the week, Jen Moroz proved to us that she's back, and taking her running to the next level.
Above: Media representation based on eye-witness account of Jen Moroz at the race

Above: Media representation based on eye-witness account of everyone else at the race, especially those still in pain from UBC Tri Du.

Above: The fascination on everyones face as they finished their last lap to find Jen Moroz not only recovered after her awesome run, but also already helping to time the run and cheer them on.

Important Field Notes:
-Meghan and Maddy took this race on as an epic duo and finished strong!
-on average, the girls whooped the guys times in this race!
-Matt's streak of winning of the Men from the Spring Race Series was blown by Nima and Chris's outstanding performances! Chris took the race win for the men!
-Jenn did in fact finish this race at least a minute faster than everyone else. Yeah. That happened.
-Keith got mixed up and stopped after 4.5 laps... but after seeing Seth and Matt continue running by him, got back up from his stopped position and went for that other lap to finish off the race. Not many of us would get back on track after stopping thinking we had gassed the tank, so I commend this act of honour. Keith's prize will be a mini-cliff protein bar from the tri club cupboard.

The times were as follows:

Chris H: 19:01
Matt B: 20:15
Seth: 19:50
Keith: 20:15
Jojo: 22:19
Gavin: 21:38
Nima: 19:32

Meghan: 20:50
Jenn M: 18:10
Maddy: 20:50

Congrats to all who came out, you showed everyone that not even Tri Du can stop ya!

See you at the next Spring Race Series Event!

Uphill RUN!

One does not simply run up a hill. Unless it's the uphill run, in which case you've pretty much only got to run up a hill.

Showing up the hill was a 10-member - 5 guys, 5 girls - crew, ready to rock! ...Or you could say, READY TO RUN UP A HILL!

Above: THE HILL (which is more like a mountain to those who dare race it)

It seemed like everyone had someone to chase on the way up the mountain...
Seth set out to challenge Matt's ongoing winning streak. Keith and Nima had to continue their ongoing feud. Heather wanted to prove to Maddy that she had what it took to conquer the mountain! You get the picture....

At the bottom of the hill, there was a lot of cheering each other on, but also taunts and chirping (smack talking)

To get an idea of what it was set the tone that is, watch the video below:
Link below: a motion picture adaption of the scene at the bottom of the uphill run, titled "The Hobbit", but originally titled "The Uphill RUN".
To reiterate the video, watch it again using the following conversation between Keith and Nima to replace the words of Smaug and Thorin Oakenshield:

Keith: Here, you aerobar-less biker
Nima: Youuuu....
Keith: I am taking back home this win (which is totally mine)!
Nima: You will take nothing from me, triathlete. I biked further than you last Saturday. I can race a triathlon without a pasta dinner the night before! I am going to win this race.
Keith: This is not your race, this is my race! I will win. and...again, I will win this...

While the guys were busy planning their deceit on their opponents, Jen Moroz continued her dynamic stretching routine. Heather, Jen, and Maddy all played it kindly, but you could tell there was an underlying tension (but not really to be honest with you).

They all pounced up the mountain, with Dylan starting the race, and the rest of the guys on his tail!
Keith and Nima were foot to foot for a bunch of the race, and Jen was right on Seth's toes.
Everyone was as close to the next racer as Anakin and Qui-Gon Jin's lightsabers in the battle below:

The battle continued up the mountain, and Jen Moroz ended up conquering the mountain at high speeds. She tarnished Seth's run, finishing with an epic 4:45 time and tied the race series Men's leader Matt Baumeister!

Here are the times:

Matt 4:45:00
Seth 4:48:00

Nima 4:50:00
Keith 5:12:00
Dylan 4:52:00

Jen 4:51:00
Heather 6:00:00
Lindsey 5:47:00
Maddy 6:32:00
Jenn M 4:45:00

Thanks for coming out for another awesome event!

UBC Tri Exec

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Brick


It was almost snowing out it was so cold at the start line (at 3 degrees celsius!). 
Though their toes were freezing, Nima, Jen Moroz, Matt, Keith, and Lindsey were up for the challenge.  

For clarification, the brick involves a bike down marine drive, followed by a short run around UBC stadium directly afterwards
Seth agreed to time the race and cheer everyone on. Some might say he only really wanted to make sure that he would not have his self-esteem crushed. That is, losing to any of all the fierce racers who showed up, especially Matt. Matt came equipped with a souped out bike...It had kick-ass streamers coming off the handlebars for added style, a spare set of rear tires (some might call them training wheels; others would call them ULTRA-TRI STABILITY WHEELS) for added stability on the ride, a "triathlon-specific"-basket to carry his cliff bars and shoes for a quick transition during the run portion of the event, and a Triathlon-bike-bell playing only miley cyrus's pop sensation "wrecking ball", to announce his arrival to other competitors.

Above: Matt's complete settup looked similar to the photo above.

Keith decided that he would have to engineer something up good to take on Matt's settup. To point out, Matt was going into this race from first place in the race series. Therefore, someone had to take him on as a target to try and get closer to that Vince Lavalle cup! Jen Moroz decided to team up with Keith for the race. And although their skills in engineering and physics where no match for Matt's already undefeatable bike settup, they knew that they would be able to dominate the run and pace each other to the finish line. While the crowd around Marine drive watching all thought Keith and Jen would be the prime challengers for Matt, Nima came out like a champ and was speeding his way through the bike course. With injured knees, Nima had determined that the bike would have to be where he would come out on top. However, Matt kept a speedy pace for the bike, and was dominating the race even at the beginning of the run. But... just as Matt was making his way around the run course Keith and Jen Moroz were SPRINTING on his tail. Matt, knowing that his current strategy of running like an ordinary person wouldn't work out threw off his sweatshirt, and unveiled his complete batman outfit. 
Matt suddenly began running faster, as if speeding off to take on the Joker and protect Gotham city. Matt then won the race, but was followed shortly after by a speedy sprint between Keith and Jen who finished at the fastest pace I have ever seen anyone finish the brick with in my 3 years (6 bricks) with the club. Lindsey and Nima also finished hard, and defended their honour as members of the try club who can take on the worst conditions and still make the best of them. For instance, Nima wasn't even sure if he would be even able to run a few weeks ago (with knee issues), but he can sure be proud of his sub-23 minute result. Lindsey, was stopped by multiple red/yellow lights on the bike, a situation we've all encountered at one point or another. A thank you goes out to Lindsey for helping out with timing the race today.
Above: Some cool stop lights they use in California.

To all those who came out to race... NICE WORK!!! WAY TO GO!!! YAAAAAAAAA! WOOO!
To all those coming out to the next race... Yaaaa! COME OUT!

I hope everyone had an awesome time.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Brick Times:
Matt - 22:17
Nima - 22:52
Keith - 23:02
Jen M. - 22:33
Lindsey - 25:23