Thursday, March 27, 2014

Questionable Math, Rain and a Pressing Need for More Hangers and Closet Space

The sacrifices made on behalf of the ladies in the club in favor of their teams are enormously appreciated, both Sherry and Lindsey put their teams first and put in some great performances today. Keely’s 16:23 today put her third on the women’s podium in the individual event, less than half a minute from the competitors in front of her. Teams composed of triathlon club members managed to finish with times of 12:30 and 12:52 for first and second place in the campus wide CoEd division.The cohesive group of Lindsey, Sean, Chris (Hart), Sebastian and Tiffany were able to consistently lower their times all week- 13:50, 13:17, 12:52. If races stretched into Friday and Saturday there is no telling how quickly they could have completed the course; they were clearly improving every time they raced together.

Last year’s most threatening team made up of dentists in training finished in 13:23 today, proving the triathlon club never did and never will have anything to worry about.

Anyone who thought yesterday’s “mid-sized log in the spokes” comment was facetious, think again. Sadly, the ol’ "log in the spokes trick" wasn’t quite enough for one competitor to clinch a victory. The leader recovered quickly enough to lose only minimal ground. Nor was cutting 11% off the bike course, breaking the strap of one of the better swimming competitor’s goggles seconds before the race or commandeering the wall man of a second competitor who was definitely, definitely better at getting over the wall. Next year, actually training will be the last resort if cheap tricks fail him again.

Even once Daniel got to use his actual Wall Man and got his elbows on top of the wall, another competitor who had already finished the race grabbed his ankles and attempted to pull him back down into the mulch. Unsuccessfully. He always has next year. Antics like that were legal in the 1980’s. Spectator turnout was three times what it is now for the full contact version of Storm the Wall as well. Correlation?

Much like hockey referees are instructed to not break up fights immediately, you can clearly see the REC staff in this photo only half heartedly trying to stop the illegal interference. The photo would seem to indicate that having his wall man stolen away from him allowed Daniel enough time to put on some nice khakis and a T-shirt.
The triathlon club men's individual results:

1. Brendan Naef 13:53
Jonathan Heinz 13: 43 DQ (inability to count)
Daniel Helm 14:02 DQ (too tall to be eligible to compete fairly)

The extremely qualified REC volunteers in the bike lap counting tent were consulted after the race. The sheet below looks complicated, but rest assured all bike-lap-counting volunteers complete an intensive six week training course before being considered for the privilege of sitting in a lawn chair in the rain. Classes include: Counting Carefully up to Ten, Actually Being Able to Raise Your Voice Over 30 Decibels and Keeping Your Composure While Mostly Naked Hunks Cruise By You. It’s a tough job, they actually aren’t allowed to leave until all cyclists complete the course for liability reasons (REC takes waivers seriously); they are still out there huddled under an umbrella. REC staff are bringing them sleeping bags and are trying to contact the fraudulent cyclists, trying to convince them to come back for one more lap so the counters can finally go home.

Anyone who may have performed well today and was omitted from this post either chose a dumb team name that is not their real name for an individual event or does not have the words “Triathlon” or “Club” in it. Or you were just plain overlooked. Apologies in advance. UBC REC’s website is so poorly organized; there is no way I’m sorting through that giant single page of unsorted results. Want to look up a friend’s time from 2013? You had better have the next 40 minutes free and a lot of patience. My grade 4 swim meets had live online streaming and results available up to the minute, no reason UBC REC can’t. They need an overworked, underappreciated volunteer IT staff member.

IKEA promotional staff were seen circulating the wall this afternoon, handing out 40% off coupons for hangers and closet organizers as many club members found themselves left with a slightly larger wardrobe than they did on Monday. The Sweedish never miss an opportunity to capitalize on marketing.

The week’s races are not over; a mile still has to be contested while keeping the contents of your stomach off the play surface for the children of Queen Elizabeth Elementary. It rains enough in Vancouver that we shouldn’t feel bad about it, right? At least we pick up our empties. Although leaving them strewn about would probably be a bigger contribution to the community. 10 cent cans don’t last 30 seconds on a front lawn in Kitsilano.

Watch out for the man doing 3 laps instead of four, drinking 1% Kvass in 191 ml really thick glass bottles. He will bear a striking resemblance to one of the authors of this blog. Daniel says he is drinking four of these and running the four laps on his knees, just to make things fair. The winner gets a two gallon pail of Polysporin. Extra motivation for Eddy to win.

Daniel will be back from his quick promotional tour in Jerusalem for the beer mile, we wish him well while he is there. Images from his trip can be found below.


Winstonian said...

There are way too many legends in this club. Your weakness is your biggest strength. :)

Sean Conner said...

Great post. Oh and in regards to the REC staff: