Wednesday, November 28, 2012

New Name on Trophy

The racers were all set to go. Stoked to the limit and ready to race. Everyone was so excited they looked like animals!
The race was on.
Unfortunately, before even starting the race, Winston was tricked by Nathaniel. Winston’s aero-awesome bike had been replaced by a recumbent cycle. 5 minutes into the race – Winston realized the bike really “wasn’t going anywhere” even though the monitor read that he had gone 10km. Winston then jumped into action on his real bike to catch up with Nathaniel and others.
An unknown racer from the so-called “Island” had shown up and was seen taunting Seth Bluman down Marine Drive on the bike. Here’s a quick video to set the scene . Replace the king with Seth and the annoying guard, with Kevin, and you have a clear picture of what was going on. Kevin crossed the line (literally) when he said Seth’s bike was a girl's bike. Luckily Theresa, a proud owner of the same bike was there to clarify that Seth’s bike was girly but clearly unisex. Theresa then went into hyper-speed passing Seth and Kevin. Seth’s anger and frustration had built up from all this taunting and bullying. An eye-witness account by Brendan Naef, who was on the scene to report: "Seth Bluman got angry for the first time ever. It was scary but somewhat relieving - He even started biting my bike!" Here’s an amateur artists take on the scene:
Unfortunately the anger of losing didn’t help Seth to transition because as he got angrier and stronger his bike “smashed” beneath his weight. Chris Hart,on the bike,was spotted being attacked by a bear that had leapt out from the Endowment Lands on the corner of 16th and Southwest Marine Drive. Chris came out of the battle alive, ate 5 gels, the bear, and proceeded to finish the race. His only regret was that the bear ate his post-race ham and cheese sandwich and left marks on his beautiful bike. Meanwhile, back in transition! Reaching the transition, Brendan stated, “I raced the whole bike part without looking behind me but feeling this heavy breath on the back of my neck” – turns out Vince had assembled some sort of bat-mobile contraption so they would be forced to race almost hand-in-hand until reaching the run. Another amateur artist was on the scene to illustrate this for us:
(Left: A less cool-looking version of Vince, Right: Brendan with an extremely deep voice) – The Amateur artist was applauded for his accurate use of spandex costumes to portray the racers. One racer didn’t even think it was worth it to do this whole “transition” thing so he didn’t change shoes or anything - he picked up his bike and started running. Supposedly Winston was spotted closing in on this bike-carrying, warrior-like man machine as they ascended the final hill. The bike carrying man, Sherwood, attempted to draft but then realized he needed to be on the bike to do so. The prize money won't quite allow him to afford a new pair of shoes but he did figure it was a great workout with the 2013 cyclo-cross season being just 11 months away.
Sherry, Theresa and Lyndsey all raced side by side for the run portion until reaching the HILL when things got serious… It was reported Sherry and Theresa started talking about the new marshmallow golden chocolate banana health waffles they had planned to post about for the next nutrition blog post…
Unfortunately this seemingly innocent conversation was done in order to DISTRACT LINDSEY… You see, Sherry and Theresa had made Lindsey so intrigued by the recipe she had to go run to Save-on, pick up the scrumptious ingredients, and then cook theses waffles… Luckily, Lyndsey returned and by sprinting managed to catch up with Sherry and Theresa. All 3 ladies ended up crossing the finish line with similar times.
Coming up to the finish line there was a much more important competition than the brick…. A battle of BEST SMILES! Who won? – You be the judge: Featuring: Seth, Ryan, and Katrina
The winners were: Males: Brendan finished with a time of 19:57 followed by Vince A FULL 2 seconds behind. How embarrassing. The men’s close race apparently came down to aerodynamics. The full spandex as noted earlier, was definitely necessary for this epic race. Females: Victoria with a time of 22:06 and Tiffany up second with at time of 24:19 These girls are now being accused of using the Clif bars in the club office as performance enhancing drugs. If the case is upheld, Elise will be up next to be awarded with the win. A special congratulations goes out to Sherwood for being the first club member to complete the Brick in bike shoes and with a bike over his shoulder for the whole run… you will be astonished to hear he finished with a time of 22:46 – a hard record for any future member to tri(Get it - Ha – it’s a Pun!) and beat. Thanks for coming out. Get excited for the Beer Mile on Friday.
It must be acknowledged that 99% of this blog post’s content came from a guest contributor. The guest contributor may or may not have been criticized for not living up to the title of “most improved swimmer” in a previous blog post. Taking matters into his own hands, written things entirely himself (or herself) ensures that he or she is portrayed in only the best light. Minor grammatical corrections were made. "Triathlon" was spelled with four "R's" and "Marine Drive" was spelled without using any vowels before the first round of editing was complete. Also, the words "there, their and theyur were used interchangeably. Such horrendous spelling made Kevin shiver.
As for the new names on the trophy; in 6 or 8 months when somebody finally drags the Vincent Lavallee Cup to an engraving shop in North Vancouver, expect an immediate blog update as to who the winners were. Hint: Vince's name is already there (though not on the champions list) and it is not being added again.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Ten Lengths of a Pool

Chris Bhatla and Karin emerged victorious from last week's 500m swim time trial. Chris' sister Jen has won the event before with times in the 7:10 range, so he figured some thirty seconds faster would be all it takes to win the men's division. Certain club members are relieved to learn that swimming speed is indeed hereditary and their choppy, miserable form is no fault of their own. His 6:41 stands as one of the best ever by an active club member. Karin was a full second slower than last year, but her 7:30 was more than fast enough to win the event. Second place went to Fiona in a time of 8:02, while Victoria's 8:21 was good for third place. Since Victoria was not actually present at the event,some accusations have been flying that she actually swam this time in a river, downstream with a strong current. She has never broken 8:40 in a swimming pool under supervision, so the accusations have some merit. For someone who is well on track to win the Point Series overall, Victoria should really turn up at more official events in order to satisfy her accusers. She was recently seen ordering syringes from (they had a big sale recently) and using Paul Ryan's watch to time her solo events.
Nathaniel was always quick, but he has shaved off an additional 18 seconds this year. His 7:00 time from last fall is now down to 6:42. He will however have to settle for 998 points, not 1000. Nathaniel fancies himself to have the cleanest, crispest, quickest flip turn among all members of the triathlon club. The 50m pool was an unfair disadvantage he claimed. In the hot tub after the race, he could be heard loudly boasting about how he would have destroyed Chris had the race been held in a 4, 6 or 8m pool. For all of October Nathaniel had been practicing his flip turns in the small pool at the Holiday Inn on Burrard just in case the 500m time trial was held in an especially small facility. I guess since the third place women got a mention it should be said that Brendan was third in a time of 7:12. Otherwise it was a performance not worth much attention as nobody ever cares about third.
He spent the rest of practice sulking on the bottom of the pool.
One club member didn't really need a watch to get his time today. He swam a time of 9:00 in the Fall of 2010. He matched this feat in the fall of 2011, coming in at 9:00. This time he wanted to show that two years of training have actually done something but did not want to be accused of inconsistency- he swam a time of 8:59. If you haven't guessed already, the following photo should be of help. His name rhymes with Flinston.
In other news, Seth's "Most Improved Swimmer" title awarded last year is being revoked. His 13:24 from last fall is now down to a 13:02, a mere 22 seconds. Nathaniel almost improved by that much and he was already good. I would mention the brick coming up and how the Point Series is almost over but this post was written way too late and the brick is way too soon to be worth talking about.

Friday, November 9, 2012


The sixth event of the Fall Classic is now complete and the series is drawing to a close with just the 500m swim and the brick left for the darkest, likely wettest days of November. Seth's preparations for Wednesday's mile began on Tuesday with a reminder alarm set in his phone- giving him 24 hours to prepare for the event. While he had been informed that a single day was a bit short to be able to prepare properly for such a challenge, Seth still managed to shave 16 seconds of his time from last fall, finishing neck-and-neck with Vince in 5:31.
An equally close finish was seen on the women's side with Katrina and Karin both finishing in 6:11. For any avid readers of this blog, apologies are made for recycled cartoons and images. It is extremely difficult to find new and exciting running related material on the internet. If the humor of some cartoons has worn off, the reader has likely been reading this blog far too often and should really look elsewhere on the internet, there is a lot of good content out there.
Our top three women's finishers were Jen Moroz in 5:41 and Theresa close behind in 5:46. Eliza was nipping at their heels in 5:49. Theresa has really improved her speed over the course of this past year, bringing her time down from 6:32 last fall. The only possible difference is her diet, and her position as VP Nutrition is clearly taken to heart. If anyone else would like to shave 45 seconds off of their mile time; just incorporate a few of these recipes into your diet : Two or three servings a week of any of the recipes mentioned in the link would be enough to see results. Theresa has been seen eating entire 2 liter jars of orange-ginger cranberry sauce before swim practice and is rumored to have a full gallon of Lentil soup after every bike ride, so maximum benefits are only achieved with these massive quantities.
Despite spending three hours of his afternoon at the pool and swimming a hard 12 or 14k before the mile race, the club president still managed to run his fastest ever mile. A single apple and half a banana after getting out of the pool were all that was required for Nathaniel to fully recover and have his legs ready for the run. This should be a lesson to any club members who have been accused of taking point series events far too seriously- don't worry too much and good things can happen. Vince's highly structured, detailed, planned 4 week taper before his Iona time trial this past September now seems ludicrous. Nathaniel would have had the club record with his impressive 4:47 it should be noted. However, one other participant had attended an Ethnobotany laboratory earlier that afternoon while Nathaniel was exhausting himself at the pool. The lab dealt with "stimulating plants" and no fewer than 4 kinds of tea, Yerba Mate, 3 different roasts of coffee and cocoa leaves were served. The caffeine mixture was just barely enough to fend off Nathaniel's late charge from 1200-1500 meters, and despite failing a urine test after the race, the magic 4:47 barrier was broken by three tenths of a second.
The prize for most consistent runner goes to Barry, hitting 4:53 right on the nose as he did last fall, likely with the exact same lap times as well. Winston was a little off of his consistency game, having shed 3 seconds over the past year to finish in 5:18. Before anyone gets too excited about their results, I would like to point out that several types of Japanese vegetables have recently been reported to be running sub 4 minute miles. Humbling, I know. There are no reports of cycling or swimming vegetables yet so the sport of Triathlon is still safe for now. The club exec is however in touch with a Japanese farmer to see if he can lend us one or two of his radishes to lead some running technique clinics next spring. These sessions are planned for Wednesday nights and email updates regarding signup for these sessions will go out in early January.
ChrisB 5:01 Vincen 5:31 Jon 4:46 Barry 4:53 Nathani 4:47 Seth 5:31 Mirko 5:44 Ben 5:17 Crl 5:07 Brian 5:17 Perneet 5:16 Jordan 5:45 Winstoe 5:18 Marcus 5:48 Ryan 5:16 Victori 6:03 Katrina 6:11 Elise 6:08 Theresa 5:46 Sherry 6:55 Eliza 5:49 Lindsey 6:21 Lise 6:06 Emily b 6:13 Naly 6:26 Meghan 6:28 Karin 6:11 Jen 5:41 If your name was too long, letters were omitted to make the paragraph look more balanced.