Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The Kiln-Baked Rectangular Block of Clay (AKA Brick)!

I submitted my blog posts to peer review and got the comments back today. It... wasn't pretty. I was told to "turn down the suck" and "drop more names." Sigh. I'll take it as consolation that Fitzgerald wasn't appreciated in his own time, either.

Anyway, turning a new leaf!


On November 8, Keith "I-Don't-Run" Bystrom awoke to a fresh post-storm morning. He hopped out of bed directly into his tri suit. He doesn't go anywhere without the protection of a chamois these days, and this day in particular was likely to put his butt padding to the test.

For it was the day of the Brick! That sadistic combination of biking and running that only du- and triathletes would choose to do. What a delicious feeling, to have your legs so full of lactic acid that it feels like you've forgotten how to run. Keith turned on the kettle and poured himself a bowl of his favourite cereal - Fruit Loops with nonfat goat's milk and a dash of Teflon-based chain lube (it helps him stay regular). He chewed thoughtfully and prepared himself mentally for the race; it promised to be a good one.

Moments later, outside the Boulevard Cafe on UBC campus, Keith sat and waited for the arrival of his competitors. Chris "Aero Aaron" Hart rode in in Euro bike mode and decided he needed a pre-bike Americano in addition to his regular post-bike espresso. All that caffeine was sure to get his mood cyclic[ly] AMPed up.

After familiarizing the team with the course, Keith stripped off his "warmup gear," revealing his super aero and super revealing tri suit. The clock was ticking! We had to get into gear before he succumbed to hypothermia.

Jen "Fearless Leader" Moroz lead the way down Southwest Marine Drive, followed closely by Anna "Double-Tab" Martin, who needed to look presentable for work (no road grit) less than two hours later. Ariana "No-Joke" Aktary and Celina "Put-Your-Hands-Up" Lim took an unorthodox approach to the race series by being friendly to each other. This author detected no hints of sarcasm, trash talk, or accusations of low aerobic capacity in their friendly pre-race chit chat. Weird.

The men took pity at Keith's lack of insulating body fat and let him go first. Ben "Chains-of-Death" Morash followed with a roar, filled with rage and foaming at the mouth. His anger was matched by that of Florian "Götterdämmerung" Heinkel, who has recently been contact by physicists working on the International Thermonuclear Experimental Reactor to see if he can use his strength and raw animal magnetism to contain the high-energy plasma needed for fusion reactions.

Winston "Stylepoints" Guo was back to form, blazing new trails in haute couture with bib shorts over top of everything else. He's been sighted recently at runways in Milan and Paris, picking up the latest trends from across the pond. The Georgia Straight recently cited him as the most influential person in Vancouver bike courier fashion, so look to him for tips on to impress your Main Street hipster crush. Remember, looking good is the first step towards owning the podium.

Shortly after Chris made the turn back towards campus, the adrenaline of competition overtook his normal physiology, and he went Super Saiyan. Under normal circumstances this would have guaranteed victory; his power level, as measured by his bike power meter, was well over 9000. However, he did not account for the increase in body mass that accompanies his mad Super Saiyan gainz. His puny 23mm tires could not handle the pressure and burst, hobbling him for the rest of the race. But he was not down and out! The Saiyans were known as much for their character as for their athletic prowess. Chris ran the rest of the bike, clickety-clacking all the way up the 16th Ave hill.

An excellent Race Series event all around. We're almost at the end!

Who is Riff Raff and why does he have his arm around the love of my life?

Coming up next week, the Denim mile! Dig out your Canadian Tuxedos for bonus points!

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